I really didn't want to do this. In fact I went to bed last night thinking that I'd just wake up in the morning and the whole Billboard Music Awards pink carpet would be a distant memory. Instead I lay awake with visions of crimes of fashion, rather than sugar plums, dancing in my head. Here is what plagues me.
|Britney in Reem Acra|
Photos: AP & Getty Images
The Plague of Heatstroke: You're in the Las Vegas desert heat -- do you really want to wear velvet, turtlenecks and over-the-knee boots? Apparently Britney Spears, back at it again in a Reem Acra lace bodysuit trailing a black silk "tail," and Jessica Alba in a black velvet Zuhair Murad "ice skater outfit" do. Unbelievable fact: there is a hairdresser taking credit for Britney's "beachy waves" aka her fried locks/extensions. Uh, no -- but love you Britney!
|Zendaya in Calvin Klein|
The Plague of the Missing Chicken Cutlets: Fashion chameleon Zendaya made a rare misstep of Paltrow-esque proportions last night. Remember Gwynnie's ill-fitting pink Ralph Lauren Oscar dress? Zendaya has now subjected another old master of design namely Calvin Klein to the same fate. Her two- piece nude colored long skirt with bra top seriously needed those friendly helper inserts to make it fit properly. While Donald Trump may or may not have once stated that a flat-chested woman can't be a "10," I would argue that she just needs a little foam rubber or gel-type padding. I don't even go to the gym without mine.
The Plague of Colonel Sanders: Speaking of chicken cutlets, did the KFC front man dress Kesha last night? I didn't really mind the purple vintage Nudie suit with its Prince meets Bob Dylan meets a matador vibe but when she changed into the white sequin embellished Gucci suit to perform leaving the white shirt and black bolo on underneath, I had an inexplicable craving for some extra-crispy wings. Kudos for her straight up performance of "It Ain't Me, Babe" though, after all the controversy over whether she would be allowed to perform or not.
|Rihanna in Thierry Mugler|
The Plague of the Dun Brown Dress on a Fashion Icon: This one's totally got me SMH. Rihanna, who can and normally does pull off anything, had a major slip up in this vintage Thierry Mugler getup. The color, the fit, the wrinkly fabric, even the shoes were a hot mess not worthy of my fashion idol. Did she lose a bet or something? Her performance suit with the green fur was so-so but her change of a-dress afterwards into a long green and gold Dries Van Noten gown was also substandard for dear Ri-Ri.
|Ciara's Only Good Look -- Naeem Khan|
The Plague of the Hostess Gown: Please don't make me revisit Ciara's collection of ugly and ill-fitting frocks throughout the long night. I really will run screaming in horror. How do you take someone with a perfect figure and make them look awkward and occasionally shapeless? No explanation other than #LostABet...
|Madonna in Gucci|
The Plague of the Iconic Female Pop Star Giving a Tribute to a Fallen Iconic Male Pop Star: As seen at the Grammy's with Lady Gaga's manic attempt at a David Bowie send up, Madonna actually went to the opposite extreme producing a morose routine in "honoring" her friend Prince. She was obviously very emotional as you could see her visibly shaking and shedding a tear or two from the sides of her face where her eyes now reside. Stevie Wonder for the win during the "Purple Rain" segment.
|DNCE in Moschino|
As for musicians who got it right, I loved the yellow and blue trompe l'oiel Fall 2016 Moschino outfits worn by DNCE's Joe Jonas, Cole Whittle and Jack Lawless. I'm not sure who female member, guitarist JinJoo Lee was wearing but her white frock featured a huge trailing back bow sash which reminds me of my daughter's Azzaro high school prom dress. Nice to see cool rocker chick Lee sport a satin big bow -- her addition of tall patent leather boots is giving me life as well as a great styling idea for future wearings of the prom dress!
- by Laurel Marcus